Cue Music!

Why the hell don’t I have my own personal theme song? I am in complete disbelief that I am lacking a personal theme song. Think about it… you show up to do a stupid errand, like going to the bank, and the minute you push open the ridiculously heavy bank doors – cue music. “Do-wop- a-ditty” (or something that sounds a little cooler) plays inside and everyone turns to see who just entered the bank. It must be someone super important – they have their own theme music! Seriously… someone needs to write me a theme song.

The reason I am not married

When I was seven years old I had the privilege of being the flower girl in a wedding. I got the gig because I was the only girl in the family that was the right age--young enough to be cute and old enough to follow directions. There was no emotional attachment between the bride (my mom’s cousin) and myself. That being said... it was the coolest thing I had ever been asked to do in my young life. Hello! A wedding! I had been having weddings in my bedroom for years. My Barbie doll (the little tramp) had married Ken, my brother’s G.I. Joe and even Chewbacca (eh, I like the big furry guy). And Skipper, being the coolest kid Barbie knew, was always the flower girl... and sometimes the ring bearer. So when I heard that I was going to be in a wedding, I was beyond ecstatic. A real wedding... I was going to be in a real wedding! Looking back, I wish I never carried that damn basket of flowers down the aisle! Because on that day... I think I was cursed.

Let me explain... after my starring role as the flower girl in the ceremony (which was brilliantly casted - I was adorable) we moved on to the reception. I don’t remember much about the reception. I am sure there were people (hopefully happy), food, cake, and probably even those melt-away mints. But all of that is a blur because it was pale in comparison to the “big event.” That is right boys and girls... I am talking about the bouquet toss. The moment at a wedding that can predict the future wedded bliss of one lucky single woman. In case you have never been to a wedding, you have never seen a movie with a wedding, or you are just plain stupid - I will explain. The bouquet toss is the is the equivalent to the bride saying, “Ha, Ha you single bitches, I am a married woman and you are not, but let me throw you a grain of hope with this ceremonial toss of my used flowers.” Well, that may be slightly editorialized. I guess the more traditional meaning of the bouquet toss goes more like this- It is said whoever catches the bouquet (married ladies need not apply) will be the next to get married. 

On the day I was the flower girl... I ran, fought my way though a crowd of older women in their teens and twenties, and dove in the gravel parking lot for that damn bouquet. After my dive that would have made an Olympic volleyball player proud, I stood up with a bloody knee, a huge whole in my brand new white tights, and the coveted bouquet of flowers. Ladies and gentleman... I won. I was going to be the next to get married. There was just one problem... I was only seven years old. Hence, the curse. I think the fates laughed that day at the adorable little seven year old girl. They laughed and put a curse on me. This explains why I am not married... right?

But as with all good curses, I think it can be reversed. Here is my plan: I need to go to a wedding, bring my own bouquet, and throw it at the the bride. Even if if it doesn’t reverse the curse... I think it would be pretty funny. So, do any of you know of a good wedding coming up?